A Coast to Coast Journey to Finding Inner Peace

Seeking enlightenment and serenity is an ongoing journey, not a goal or a destination. Making a decision to pursue your inner peace is like making a decision to get in shape: The real goal is to change your mindset, so that you actually enjoy leading a healthy life. If you are overly focused on a specific goal like reaching a certain weight, you are likely to revert back to your old ways once that goal is achieved. The trick is to follow some daily routine, so that over time little activities add up and manifest significant changes: repeatedly lifting weights will build muscle mass, snacking on apples instead of potato chips will change your body fat percentage. Over time, these little actions become habits, and you start feeling an inherent change.

A few years ago, when I started my own personal journey, I started reading obsessively – from the Upanisads, through positive psychology scientific papers, to spirituality and self-help. I experimented with different actions and directions that I read about. Some things worked great for me and some not at all. The Five Steps described in this blog are a product of my own experience, a result of trial and error. I found that to change my state of mind and my outlook of life, and to form healthy daily habits, I had to go through a few initial steps, introducing a new dimension of thought and practice each time. These are:

1) Build Inner Strength

2) Be Present

3) Dump Your Ego

4) Take Responsibility, and

5) Let Love Rule

Before embarking on a journey and hitting the road, one must build the strength to withstand the challenges of the ride. Inherent strength, coming from the inside, and providing ample reserves of energy. That strength, in turn, helps one become more immersed in the present moment, not worrying as much about the future or contemplating the past. A resilient, present individual is ready to peel off defenses and tunnel the energy he has built towards others, letting go of self-importance. And finally, one establishes the strength, focus, and humility to focus on their actions, taking proactive steps, leading to the abundance of love.

These steps are based on a collage of input from recent research and from wisdom traditions, but at the end of the day are simply a summary of a positive process I went through in my own life.

Drop a comment and let me know what you think about it, and whether you have gone through similar stages yourself.

What does it mean to be strong? In the Merriam Webster Dictionary, the three top definitions of the word are:

1. Having or marked by great physical power
2. Having moral or intellectual power
3. Having great resources (as wealth or talent)

My definition of being strong tries to encapsulate all three: a strong person has  great capability at facing challenges. Being strong means having the resources, the mental skills, and the physical capabilities to confront difficulties of all kinds. When you are strong, you have an ample excess of energy and stamina, so that when facing a challenge that depletes you of energy and inner strength, you still have enough left in you to act.

Some initial things to think about when starting to build inner strength:

1. Strength is the opposite of aggression: People act aggressively out of defense. When one feels like they are not strong enough to resolve a situation, violence and aggression come in handy as a means to deter and fend off others, thus avoiding real confrontation of a conflict. Think about people you know and consider to be strong. Strong individuals do not need to act aggressively because they feel that they have the power and skills to take over the details of a situation and bring it to a close. Aggression is a means of covering weakness.

2. Mental and physical strength cannot be separated: You can be the most psychologically resilient individual and  break down mentally if you lose a few days of sleep. Physical and mental strength work in synergy and feed each other to form a strong individual, and the opposite is also true: being physically inactive and out of shape can make one sink down and vice versa. Several recent studies have shown that physical exercise is an effective way for treating clinical depression (see reference to Dunn et al below), and the medical community is now starting to treat stress from both physical and mental perspectives. To build inner strength you must build both physical endurance and mental muscle.

3. The first step is identifying your natural strengths: All of us are born with unique capabilities and skills, and the way to build one’s strength is to focus on these specific skills and grow them. Some people run fast, others are flexible, some can lift significant weight. When it comes to mental muscle, there has been significant work done in the past decade on identifying natural strengths. Most notable is the work of Chris Peterson at the University of Michigan, together with Martin Seligman of UPenn, the founder of the positive psychology movement. You can find out your natural strengths at the VIA Institute’s website, and learn more about Character Strengths and Virtues in Peterson and Seligman’s excellent and thorough book. First identify what your natural strengths are, and then start working to enhance them further. Don’t focus on what you know you are just not good at.

4. Mental strength is harder to track: It’s easy to notice changes in physical strength: weight is lost, muscles are toned, and breathing becomes easier after running a short distance. It’s much harder to notice differences in mental strength, and sometimes it simply helps to take notes: have you been losing your temper less often? Are you noticing a change in the way people respond to you? How do you feel when you open your eyes in the morning?

Building inner strength is a lifelong task. If done right, not only will it pay off when difficulty arises, it will become habit, and eventually a part of your identity. Be strong!

Next: Step 2: Be Present

Dunn et. al, “Exercise Treatment for Depression: Efficacy and Dose Response,” American Journal of Preventive Medicine Vol. 28, issue 1, pp.1-8, Jan. 2005

Time travel has long been our  technological dream and fantasy. We fantasize about that time machine that has a special keyboard to enter the the destination date: It could be a DeLorean DMC-12 car (Back to The Future), a phone booth (Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure), and those of us over 35 may still remember The Time Tunnel (where the keyboard did not work at all). As humans, we actually do possess a unique capability to time travel – in our minds. This ability to time-shift helps us project into the future: we can plan in great detail, and envision how details will add up to a whole. We used this skill to design airplanes, spaceships, and skyscrapers before they existed. We also know how to  go back to the past and  learn from it by analyzing past events and tweaking our strategies based on experience.

Our ability to time-shift has earned us great achievements, but it does come a at cost. Humans not only “remember the past” or “imagine the future”. We have the ability to transform ourselves to a time other than the present and really experience what that moment would be like. This package of experience is not only cognitive and rational, it also means experiencing emotions and feelings. So, for example, when you contemplate a dangerous and frightening situation, your heart rate can go up and you may start to sweat, as if you are actually encountering a dangerous situation in the present moment. The blessing of time-shifting becomes a curse.

Being in the present moment is key to finding your inner peace. And moreover, not just being in the present but being present – actively – not as on observer but as an active player who shapes the course of what is happening right now. In this section of the blog we’ll discuss mindfulness, flow, savoring, and other aspects of being present. Stay tuned!

Previous: Step 1 – Build Inner Strength

Next: Step 3 – Dump Your Ego

Dumping your ego is hard, because it’s hard to even admit you have one. “Me? I don’t have an ego. I’m a nice guy! What are you trying to say? What nonsense have you been reading?” I’ve had the same response myself when I started thinking about this concept. A kind, well-mannered person like myself? I have no ego! (or was that actually my ego talking…?)

Let me try to explain what I mean. I see the ego is an outer shell, an external layer of protection that is built over the years. It is the belief in our self-importance that in turn reassures us that we know better and do better than anyone else. In simple words, our ego helps us lie to ourselves so we can feel better. The cost of this “comprehensive protection package” is a much distorted perception of reality. The ego will manipulate what we see with our own eyes to show us that we are right, giving us immediate comfort. It’s comforting to think that others are to blame and that others mess up because they are simply not as smart as your magnificent self. Nine out of ten times when you think people plot against you, have hidden agendas, dare speak to you that way, and so on – your ego is making it up. However, the cost your ego deducts from your personal happiness and inner peace is very real. Research shows that people who are grateful, generous, and forgiving (“weak” from an ego perspective) are the happiest.

From a strengths perspective, I see egoistic behavior as an expression of weakness. People who are truly strong are kind, empathetic, and compassionate. Once you build some inner strength it’s time to take the next step and peel off your ego and simply be yourself.  Practice random acts of kindness to people you don’t know. Help people who don’t expect your help. Be generous when it makes the least sense to. Respond to aggression with forgiveness. Be important, not self-important. You can’t keep your eyes on the road and the scenery if you keep checking your looks in the mirror. Ride Safe

Previous: Step 2 – Be Present

Next: Step 4 – Take Responsibility

A famous Yiddish proverb says that “Man plans, god laughs” (Mann traoch, Gott Lauch). Are you familiar  with this feeling? Alanis Morissette’s song “Ironic” is comprised of great examples for it: rain on your wedding day, a traffic jam when you’re already late… Then Alanis summarizes it with her conclusion:

“Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything’s okay and everything’s going right”

Recent research shows that one’s sense of control over life is a major factor for psychological well-being. But if “Man plans and god laughs” doesn’t it mean we have no control at all? If we can’t control other’s behaviors, thoughts, and feelings, the forces of nature, traffic, the news – how can we get any sense of control over life?

The answer of course, is that we have full control over our own actions, thoughts, and feelings. When you are on the road, you cannot control other drivers or unexpected oil puddles and potholes, but you can control the bike. This at first seems like an obvious statement, but think more and you’d realize it is not trivial at all. It’s always easier to point at others and at circumstantial factors than it is to assume real responsibility. When my seven year old son gets upset, I try to teach him how to calm himself down. But more than often he will say “I can’t calm down – YOU made me upset!”. He can’t control my actions, and if my actions made him upset, then it’s my responsibility to fix it – right? Well – he can control the feelings and thoughts that my actions evoke, and he can control the way he responds. But that seems so much harder than “I will go berserk and then daddy will allow me to watch more TV”. It always seems easier to change other people and to change reality than to take responsibility, but it never is.

Next time you start complaining about others or about “tough luck” try this simple exercise: write five things you can do that are within your full control on a piece of paper. Then select one and act on it. It works for me every time. And always remember that things you can’t control can also work in your favor As Alanis continues in her song:

“And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything’s gone wrong and everything blows up
In your face”

Previous: Step 3 – Dump Your Ego

Next: Step 5 – Let Love Rule

Is it possible to write about the word “love” and say anything truly new? Love is the field that connects all of us together. It’s the fabric from which the good in life is woven. Love connects all living things, and perhaps the inanimate as well. Experiencing love on a daily basis equals accomplishing inner peace. When you are strong enough not to be let down from your daily struggle, immersed in the present time, ego-less, and take control over your destiny, love and enlightenment emerge naturally.

I hope to come back from my trip not only with a full video camera, but also with a full heart.

Previous: Step 4 – Take Responsibility